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Thursday, February 17th, 2011

Subject:Blogs blogs blogs
Time:10:22 am.
I forgot to update y'all... my photo posts will be on my <a href="http://jpobocan.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> page.
More personal shit will be posted on <a href="http://jpophoto.blogspot.com/">blogger</a> .

Follow me there :-)
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Subject:Note to self...
Time:9:02 am.
The words "social" and "life" have become irrelevant to my world. I guess that's what happens when you throw all you have into work and have little money left for play. My "social life" has become the world of facebook. Do I ever see those people anymore? nope....Le sigh.
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010

Subject:BJSS??
Time:10:51 pm.
I haven't been on here in for-e-ver. See you on the east coast at the end of the month... too late?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Subject:A word from be.
Time:1:11 am.
Since I haven't written here in a while, and I don't think I could explain my life (lately) as well as my friend could, I'll share with you excerpts of his entry....

On most days my voice goes unused and my face, unseen. I’m cooped up in a little, modest, one bedroom apartment, fighting with ideas, thoughts of suicide, bites of comedy, and creative plans that battle inside of my head like a brawl between every social group in a high school, scrapping in the front foyer over supremacy. I rarely need to get dressed for anything important, and rarely have anywhere to go but crazy. I’m just here. Collecting thoughts that collect their dust all in good pace. On the odd occasion, my phone will ring. I usually don’t answer it. I just let it ring out and continue with whatever organized chaotic task I have placed in front of me. Design this, write that, do the dishes, do them later. Etcetera.

Over these last few days, I’ve been overwhelmed with the perceptions that I must give others. I can say I’m doing pretty well. I am making my own money off my own product. But with the graduation of my life and the popularity of what I ‘provide’ in the category of “Soul Food”, comes the exposure of my many character traits, most of which aren’t the most desirable things for another person to experience.. especially someone who doesn’t really know me for me. Because the truth is, plenty of people who haven’t known me past my blog or my clothing line can get one-two things twisted quite easily.....

Seclusion:
I’m a loner at heart. I don’t need to be around people all the time for the sake of being seen or feeling important. And I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing. Not all the time at least. Ignorance and stupidity are things that are raging with contamination and are feverishly contagious, and I am neither immune to them, nor the Swine Flu. But I’d gladly take a strand of the H1N1 over any of the rampant bullshit that people seem to be on these days. It’s just not me. So I sit with my thoughts and harmonize some rambling orchestra of semi-brilliant ideas I’d love to carry out. Then, in a swift move of excitement, I fail them all.. mostly. I become secluded, so much so that I begin to feel excluded, in mind, in morals, and in whole.

Trains of Thought:
Be patient with me while I (try to) explain how my mind works in conversation..
Consequence and response, for me, are immediately attached to action. So when I speak, I cycle almost obsessively over the listeners thought, reaction, emotion, and response while I try to say something.

It’s terribly frustrating. And it consumes half of the conversations that I have with people, leaving me with whole conversations in my mind that have never happened in person because this 3rd person, this thought in my head, this person I used to be, or would like to be, or have never been, or that I despise.. whomever they are.. keeps interrupting everything I would like to say. Until I just shut up. All the time. And say nothing that my heart wants to say.. in person, in play, and in whole.

Doubt:
I am a cynic. An unarmed worrier? Not quite. I know what my arsenal’s like. But I do worry about a lot. I think about interactive scenarios in the same manner as I do with conversation, conjuring up all possible outcomes until I have a collection of every possible negative thing that can happen before I do anything. And so I don’t do anything. I doubt the good, the motives, the love, the intentions, the honesty, the presence of humility, the safety, the security, the loyalty, and the possibility for change. You could see my distaste with people if you’ve read half of the things I’ve ever written.. but I doubt you have.

Well, there it goes again.

 

Being Bullied

My day-to-day life feels something like I imagine being bullied feels like. You never want to leave your house, or do anything. But you need to in order to maintain a level of normalcy. When you do decide to go against your bullies, you are always beat. Until one day you decide you are going to do something brash, and you kill them. But what if those bullies are lingering inside of you? What if those bullies are in your mind and patrolling your every thought. Then you become overwhelmed with the idea of shooting your brains onto your ceiling fan.

Or at least I do.

I don’t value myself quite so much. Or my own opinion. Not in this world, I don’t. Not in what we have become, or at least what these bullies have lead me to learn. We’re a world where the audience is allowed on stage. And most can’t tell the pro’s from the “Second Rows”. And so I seem to have lost my respect for my own growing talents and I spend much of my time battling with these 3 bastards who batter my battery to empty. Seclusion. Trains of Thought. Doubt. I can’t be strong in their presence when I have no support for when I am at my weakest. And I am tired.

When I was 12 I was told that I was “an Old Soul”.
At my age now, I must be a dead one.

I need some help. Before I go back to the pills and in-patients, the meds and beds. Or before I shoot these bullies in the head.



Ok, the suicide thoughts aren't quite 100% , but this is my response......

Be,
Again, these thoughts and feelings are all familiar to me as of late, in my past and tends to come back in the fall and winter months. I wake up for the sake of waking up and making my day somewhat productive. Walking around like a zombie and make sure I’m there mentally to take the dogs out in a timely matter and get a fresh breath of air. I keep my headphones on, with the hope that no one will talk to me, but they still want to make some smart comment or get asked the same questions (about my dogs) by the same people, or tourist stop me for directions. I just want to be left alone. I get my shit done, run errands, (if I need to) but most of the time I remain in my little box until someone decides to take me out of my normalcy. Soon, I hope to get out of this corner. Man, I need a vacation…..
J

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Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Subject:*sigh*
Time:2:34 pm.
I've said it before and I'll say it again....
this hustle is a struggle...
great start to a new year!
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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

Subject:TheGreatHatsby... the coho strikes!!!
Time:12:55 am.
So when I updated my LJ, I got a message on my gmail/aim chat saying: "droopycoho is trying to send you a message." My internet cut out but i decided to try to im this person and I got this......

12:34 AM droopycoho: ?
12:35 AM me: ?
droopycoho: no
12:36 AM do you?
me: no
droopycoho: that's a relief
me: do i what
12:37 AM i didnt get ur first msg
droopycoho: Do you feel weird?
why would i
me: do i feel weird about.....
12:38 AM droopycoho: I don't know it was your question
me: what was my question?
droopycoho: you asked if I felt weird
12:39 AM me: right....
who is this
droopycoho: it's me
who are you
me: who's me.. ur the one who imm'd me first
12:40 AM droopycoho: no, no i didn't
what did I say?
me: it just said you were trying to send me a message
droopycoho: nope
me: and my gay internet was being gay
12:41 AM droopycoho: you sent me a msg saying "do you feel weird"
Ive never talked to you before
and I said, why should I
and you said ?
and I said ?
etc.
I know wher eyou come form
12:42 AM from
me: ok i didn't do the first line... i was off my computer a half hour ago
ok
droopycoho: I just got it 11 minutes ago
me: i still wasn't on
droopycoho: who are you
me: i opened my laptop and it said "droopycoho is trying to send you a message"
12:43 AM droopycoho: that's not me
thats not even my screenname
it says you are oppositecoho
me: it says it on my computer it is..
now that's weird
12:45 AM oh what the hell!!?!
droopycoho: found it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheGreatHatsby
me: me too
droopycoho: hahahah smarty
me: i didn't find that one
12:46 AM droopycoho: what di dyou find
me: http://xtoujoursvotre.livejournal.com/
it's something through LJ
12:47 AM droopycoho: I don't use live journal
I get it from twitter
12:48 AM me: maybe someone's trying to do some kind of hatsby thing between other sites instead of just one
b/c i dont use twitter
droopycoho: what were you using?
12:49 AM me: i was on LJ
droopycoho: oooooh
me: is it showing my name as droopycoho?
droopycoho: no
you're oppositecoho
12:50 AM :)
me: haha freal?
droopycoho: yep
me: that's kind of dope, but creepy too
12:51 AM droopycoho: yea
me: now i'm like... "now what?"what do i win?"
haha
12:52 AM droopycoho: hahaha sorry no prize that I know of
conversation with a stranger mostly
12:53 AM me: it's like match.com but not so much
droopycoho: are you getting all of this in pirate speak?
ha yea
and who knows if I'm a guy or a girl
me: no pirate speak... argh....
you're a droopy
12:54 AM droopycoho: exactly
me: or should i say... a coho
droopycoho: I was just reading on wikipedia they sometimes filter the msgs into pirate speak
a coho is a salmon
12:55 AM me: In addition to LiveJournal, Salmon bots have been reported to contact users from deviantART[17] and Xanga.[18]
i am a member of both
droopycoho: I'm not on any of those
but you imed me the second I updated on twitter
me: yeah same as LJ
droopycoho: weird
12:56 AM where are you?
12:57 AM me: chicago
droopycoho: :)
me: and you
droopycoho: I grew up there
but I'm in LA
12:58 AM me: ahh watch we're like related or something
droopycoho: hahahaha creepy
me: or we really know each other
droopycoho: that'd be amazing, actually
12:59 AM me: what's ur name
don't worry , i won't get all up into the whole asl game... dirty
1:00 AM droopycoho: hahah ok thx
Kim
you?
me: jillian
i don't know any kim's
nice to meet u
droopycoho: I know 1 jillian
1:01 AM nice to meet you too
me: in chicago?
droopycoho: romeoville
or wherever her college is
I dunno
me: oh word? maybe i know her
is she irish and japanese?
haha
droopycoho: no
me: awwe
droopycoho: ha she's blonde
me: doh
the only other jillian i knew was puerto rican
1:02 AM droopycoho: nope sorry
me: all good. why L.A?
1:03 AM droopycoho: I work in the music industry
me: nice
1:04 AM droopycoho: it's OK
me: could be better than struggling photog in the city of chicago
droopycoho: yea I know a lot of those
actually
1:05 AM me: haha it's a big world out here
droopycoho: haha or small
me: indeed
5 minutes
1:10 AM me: ok it was nice talkin to you kim... my dog's buggin me to take her out
1:11 AM take care
droopycoho: bye jillian!


Kinda awesome... still wish I woulda won something....
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Subject:idle thought of the day
Time:12:06 am.
i need to find another spot, aside from photography, because i'm afraid i'm going to fall out of love with it....
criteria: allows me to be creative and make my own schedule, interaction with peers, allows me to be myself and not afraid of saying what needs to be said, time to myself when necessary, and actually pays what i'm worth...
question: how can i do that with everyone asking me to be at their beckon call? where i have so much to do that i forget what day it is and i'm still broke... damn this giving nature of mine!

p.s. the 11th hour is approaching for the big day of our fundraiser. let's hope we get a turnout so i know my efforts weren't a waste....

WWW.BLUSHPARTYCHICAGO.COM
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 13th, 2008

Subject:Celebrate October as Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!
Time:4:28 pm.

In case you can't read this...

Guys treat your ladies!
Ladies treat your girls!

Don't miss Blush: Celebrating the Power of Pink!
a benefit for the American Cancer Society and Imerman Angels.

Ladies (and gentlemen) are welcome to come learn the art of burlesque dance with International showgirl, Michelle Lamour. If dancing isn't your bag, buy one from Chicago boutiques, Akira Chicago, Ouest and Novem Studios. Those of who will also be there with some of their hottest clothes and accessories available for purchase that evening. Massages by Freddie Cabrera, makeovers by Eunita Carer, and martinis will also be provided. DJ Shy and other guest DJs from the 103.5 Kiss Beat Freaks, who will be spinning all night. This event is brought to you by Green Room Events & Marketing, 103.5 Kiss FM, Metromix, Chicago Latino Network, Yelp.com, Michelle Lamour, Ouest Boutique, Novem Studios, Imerman Angels, Casa Latina Productions, CSGuestlist and JPO Photography

Tickets are $35.00 at the door. $25 for runners from the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer 5k on October 19. Portion of the proceeds benefit the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Campaign and Imerman Angels.

Invited guests include: Christie Hefner of Playboy, Nina Chantele of 103.5 Kiss FM, Omarosa of The Apprentice, and Erika Rumsey of Beauty and the Geek.

For event information and updates, please visit http://www.blushpartychicago.com
or call 312.278.1049
or email info@geminfochicago.com
(photo on flyer provided by:don spiro)
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Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Time:1:53 am.
This freelance hustle has run me broke. Back to the corporate mindless world, in business cas and photog by night. More interviews this week.
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008

Subject:star sightings at ORD
Time:11:14 pm.
Ryan Cabrera and Kyle Howard within a few days.... i don't get star struck like most people... i just look and say to myself,"hey i've seen them before."
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Sunday, July 6th, 2008

Subject:Dem kids have no idea...
Time:10:35 pm.
Earlier this week I was flipping e-mails with my school's Digital Photography art director, basically I showed him links to my stuff and here's the shorter end of our correspondence:

him:
These look great, I just looked at everything and all your flickr pages!  Very well done.  How would you conceder your transition from student to starting out struggling photographer?

me: Thanks!

I just shot Dick Portillo's house last night and I'll probably have to go back next week for more. 

My transition from student to starting out struggling photographer hasn't been easy, but I've busted my ass to get where I am right now and I know it's not over. Constant e-mailing, calling and following up with clients and prospects.  Constant search of jobs on every job board under the sun. Multiple part time jobs to fill my schedule and make ends meet: airport staff member for a non-profit organization that takes care of foreign exchange students, product assembly for a wholesale greeting card company, occasionally assisting, freelance events and now Kane brothers.  I like variety ha ha.

All that and I still manage to take my dogs to the beach. I knew the transition wouldn't be easy, and I knew I had to be diligent about every step I made about making this part of my life a career and still be able to enjoy it. 
Granted, I'm not exactly shooting environmental portraits, like I originally planned, but I'm working on it.  As you can see, I'm definitely keeping myself busy, not getting much sleep and have had the opportunity to meet some great people along the way. Drill it into the student's heads that this shit's not a cake walk, but I want the success rate of Harrington DP Grads to soar.
Thanks again, I'll talk to you soon.

Him: Would you ever think about coming into my 299 class and talk about your trials and tribulations? I've never heard a student speak so passionately about succeeding and seeing everyone else succeed. We tell the students in all different ways, how hard it is and I want you to bring up the point that, "this shit's not a cake walk," but more so the point you made, "I want the success rate of Harrington DP Grads to soar." There's so many times that we tell these kids that, but coming from us, it's more like coming from their dad.  I want you to come in because I think you can scare these kids straight.

The following day, I proudly obliged to his request. Some kids were scared shitless, others just thought I was angry with the world. 
Public speaking still makes me nervous, but it was pretty cathartic to put them in their place.

the end

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Friday, June 27th, 2008

Subject:Del Monte Farms = pesticides
Time:4:30 pm.


i'm global son!!!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, June 16th, 2008

Subject:For sale...
Time:4:49 pm.
Cousin&apos;s got paintings on sale....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Subject:mmmmm pizza
Time:8:52 pm.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:HILARIOUS!
Time:3:11 pm.

*SHAKES HEAD* TIDDY BEAR...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Subject:mmm...
Time:3:39 pm.
I just made my first attempt to grilling pizza.  All my friends were skeptical every time I brought the idea up.  Oh I'll prove them wrong.  Yes I will!

 I'm full and the great photographer that I am, forgot to take pictures. Doh! I have extra dough so i'll make more sometime this week, don't you worry kids!
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Subject:Attn: Bay Area
Time:12:03 am.
My cousin and his gf are heading your way and settling their feet in Oakland next month.  www.pea-be.com . I may follow in August (to visit)... stay tuned.
Comments: Read 6 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, June 2nd, 2008

Subject:gallery show?? maybe not....
Time:9:37 pm.
can't afford anything right now, but flush mount a bunch of 8x10's.... kawawa.... meh!
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Friday, May 30th, 2008

Subject:gallery show?? perhaps???
Time:11:03 pm.
note to self: I need to find a creative way to mount my prints of the sneaker project, instead of having to print ridiculously sized pieces and framing them, for 2-4 bills.  i've decided i'll use the 8x10's I have to set up more of an installation, for the right bold price of $30.  I'll make it happen... OH I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, May 29th, 2008

Subject:taking something out of my box...
Time:9:14 pm.
Three months ago I sold my camera. Everybody responded with, "why? how? why?"
1. I wanted to go to the Philippines and with little income, it was the only item I had worth selling for big bucks to pay rent for the next month.
2. The school I graduated from, thankfully allows people to borrow any equipment for upto 6 months after graduation. 
My whole plan of action was, look for a regular job to feed my income, get as many jobs as I could, borrow the gear from school and make enough for the camera I really wanted. Unfortunately, I have one more month left, but with the money situation -or lack there of- for everybody. It's been REALLY slow. REALLY SLOW!

My parents and my boyfriend don't understand what this "freelance lifestyle" is about.  A lot of people don't. They think, you graduate, you get a shitty job that pays the bills and that's it. I was talking to my Godfather this weekend and he was trying to explain it to some of my mom's friends (one of which is my life insurance agent) since his son is about 35 years old and still a freelance artist. I'm like, "please explain it to my parents..." as I held the tears back.  They don't understand that I'm one of those people... if they don't like their job or where their working, even though they're making money and paying the bills, they won't be happy and it effects their personal lives. To the point where they abuse themselves and become borderline alcoholics. 

Don't worry y'all I'm no where near being an alcoholic because when I started going back to school, I noticed was happy where I was at. Then, the drinking and excessive pot smoking subsided and had a desire to get a peace of mind in achieving some kind of degree doing something that made me satisfied.

Although, I've managed to squeeze a good handful of jobs in, but no regular income and only enough to pay some of my bills. As many of you know, looking for jobs is a full time position in itself. I hate to think that this is how my life will be in ten years, but it will. I've met so many Photographers who have been in the business for that long, still have debt, they catch up and still continue to look for clients just because companies change and people find others to do services for them, for a lesser price.

I'm proud I've come this far, but I'm just hoping that soon I'll find a regular job that I'm happy with, to find some stability. Maybe then I can sleep at night and not have dreams about my heart being torn apart and left neglected by a hospital staff that uses kitchen knives.
Comments: Add Your Own.

LiveJournal for like sweet morning dew.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (My Website).
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.